I’m at the point in my life where I have never felt more miserable and more content with myself. It’s like I’m swaying along a spectrum of both and I feel like I’m able to balance myself perfectly between the two.
It’s the optimist that I find in myself that helps me to wake up every morning. I’m a better person on those days. But my emotions are volatile and the foundation for stability is lost within me. I’ve heard smiling for no reason can actually help with tricking the mind into thinking that you’re actually happy. I really hope that it isn’t some pseudoscience bullshit because I find that a placebo is better than nothing.
Although more often than I’d like to admit, the pessimist in myself laughs at my misery; I can’t stand my reflections on days like that. It’s a burgeoning feeling which cascades until I find myself without any energy to even leave my bed. I coax my feelings into absence until I’ve finally distracted myself long enough to sleep another day. I take each day with stride and I hope that one day I’ll find myself with a good nights sleep.
I’ve harboured enough negativity to fill an oil well. I want to spark a flame and reignite that desire for life again. I want to find something or someone that can become the catalyst for happiness and quite possibly even pure bliss. Something I feel like I am incapable of achieving. But some days I feel like that possibility is within my grasp and I continue.
The way I see it is that I’ve got this far and if anything, existing is better than nothingness. I am at least content because I’ve found that I can love myself and to be kind to others. I can work on who I am and it’s still never too late and that makes me really happy. I’ll be fine as long as I can continue to acknowledge the degradation of my actions and to help rectify them.
I laugh at how melodramatic I am sometimes. I wish I could take everything in stride and let things take their course without overthinking. At times i feel like i do that and i am carefree and i am happy. But recently i have felt like i am caught up in the smallest of upsets because i guess i feel like i have little clue of what i’m doing. So if everything doesn’t feel just right then it has to end in complete misery.
I need to find that carefreeness again, I feel like like I can become that person again if i let go of my doubts and let them be. I am happy with who i am, who i am with and what we are doing. But everything else is still a blur and i hope i can find something that can remedy that.
I have been with deceitful, selfish people. I have seen bad things. I have seen some fucked up shit and I’ve seen people say some fucked up things. I have distanced myself from this misery and I hope that I can stay away. Sometimes I wish I could forget everything that I have done, said and thought. But then I realise the true essence of becoming a person. A person that understands their life experiences, how/where/why and what lead up to those circumstances and then you learn.
I find myself making the same mistakes over and over again but in slightly better clothes. I don’t think this cycle of mistakes will find itself ending but as much as I try to find myself avoiding these situations; it always comes back to test my will.
On a lighter note, I feel content with her. I know she doesn’t like me the way that she likes him and maybe that could all be in my head. I often wonder if I should keep going with this because the certainty isn’t there for me. I still question myself and I can see that we both don’t want to completely let go. This relationship is still at its rudimentary stages so I shouldn’t be investing too much thought into it. This should be carefree.
I guess a few people have implied that I could do better and that irks me. I don’t need to hear these opinions because it not only plants a seed of doubt in my mind but they also think that they know better than me. I can be a really self-centered dick sometimes. Maybe I could do better? I don’t know and I don’t really care because I feel happy with her and at least 80% content with this decision to seriously see her. Which is saying a lot because that’s unusually high.
I am weary and if drama begins to seep through this again, I will be much more aware. I already feel betrayed because she stopped seeing me. But it’s shitty because even though we weren’t serious I still felt like she owed me the truth. She could have just told me that she was interested elsewhere. That i was being used as a second option, a backup. To show your true cards to someone and then imply that they were a second option is really fucked up. I should have just ended it there but I found a little bit of truth in her voice and I couldn’t help myself.
I cannot remember the fucking password. I always kept the blog logged in and I can’t remember my old email password. I can’t recover that motherfucker either.
At least I can still read the posts when I check out the page… Ehhhhh uber lame. I think i’ll copy them over here when I have time.
I felt electric when your soft hands touched my shoulders. I could feel your warmth emanating throughout; I wanted to share it with you. I wanted it to oscillate around mine and for the brief moments in our lives, we could both feel like we were needed so badly that it pained us to let go.
The small nuances of your body touching mine, our intertwined arms locked together in an innocuous attempt at lust. Innocent but mind altering. I wanted to tell you my secrets and I wanted my fingertips to caress your body. I would be yearning to tell you how I felt, I wanted to alleviate this burden that struck me. I pushed this thought out of my mind because the complications were the last thing we wanted in our lives.
Even under the cover of the low glow of the light, I could see your features. Your lips slightly open and the top lip quivering, the profile of your nose was delicate and your cheekbones… They are perfection. I wanted to take you everywhere. I wanted to show you the night sky peppered with stars and the city lights way up from the hills. I wanted to lay in bed with you while the storms rolled in and thunder filled the air.
You evoked an expression of joy inside me and that made me want to spend every minute making you laugh. The adoration when I would hear your laughter makes me feel weak. My uncertainty about how I felt was diminished and that made me scared. I need you. It’s not subtle, I can’t stand playing this subtle game any longer. Maybe in an act of desperation I will tell you. Through drunken stupors I’ve considered cracking open my barriers and letting the words spill out and flow. But I would hold myself back just enough and I would wake up in the morning to find myself regretting it. I’m unable to find the courage.
I know my limits and I am not delusional. I’m able to be so happy when we’re together. I know we aren’t anything special. That bums me out like mad because I want to say so much. Maybe when you don’t love him anymore and I am able to see that you are completely free. Maybe.
I wrote this a few weeks ago
I forgot how much it hurts to miss someone this much.
I find it completely hilarious that I am able to say that because honestly there shouldn’t be a reason for this. I kept myself guarded from this pain for a long time. I could see the seed of uncertainty grow inside me and I hated that I knew I was becoming uncertain.
When we stopped seeing each other I felt slightly underwhelmed at myself. I saw that I had become too encumbered by your words. It felt like you were saying a whole lot but your actions were telling me otherwise. I wanted to be so angry and I wanted to feel justified but nothing of that caliber came to me. I felt defeated. I just accepted what this was and then I knew that I didn’t want to be an ass. I wanted to be better and so I continued our long talks and I enjoyed the fuck out of them. Even if I knew I had probably lost my chance with you.
If you found love again through him, I didn’t want to be involved. I couldn’t stand to be the second option again, I deserve better than this. Instead of becoming bitter, I thought I should be happy for you and I was happy. I just hoped that you would leave me alone and let me wallow. I needed a buffer period where I could tell myself to let you go and lessen the damage that could happen.
I was so sure I had slipped into a memory. Maybe one that you didn’t regret because I didn’t regret being with you.
I post on my other blog about my life but I can’t remember the password for it. So I’ll just post here while I try to recover it.
When I’m feeling my lowest I find that i tend to be able to write a lot more expressively. So when the words start to come out then my thoughts begin to free fall and everything spills.
I’m honestly at wits end. I’ve gained enough courage to admit that I’ve fallen for her. I guess even from the start I could tell that it wouldn’t end well nor would I ever be treated in the same way. I can remember when she talked about him, the way she looked down towards her feet. Her lips slowly pushing the words out as if what she had to say were tortuous and delusional. I could tell her heart was still with him and that she didn’t want to let go. I was potentially just a rebound and I was fine with that.
I wanted to be with someone and she needed someone to be with and so we became compelled by this desire to feel wanted. I can blame my naive nature or my overconfidence but it all ends in the same situation. I adore her so much more than she adores me. When I’m feeling like I have to compete to have her then it’s a situation that is destined for trouble.
I didn’t have much negativity when she would go see her ex because as long as she treated me with respect then I was okay. But I understood when she grew more distant. I accepted what we were (Which we didn’t really talk about but casual comes to mind) and I told myself to move on. The acceptance that I had grew and I hoped one morning that her name wouldn’t be the first one to pop in my head. I didn’t realise this until it was too late.
But without much thought she started to become more interested. Maybe she had a fight with her ex again and she wanted a little bit of an escape again. I really didn’t like thinking that I was kept as a second option but I knew the reality of it. What did I get myself into and how do I come out of it unscathed? I am liking her too much and she’s growing to loathe me it feels. Optimism has been left behind.